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Oh don’t look at me like that. I couldn’t find a theater playing Inherent Vice, and another reviewer called dibs on The Hobbit. Plus, it is getting to be the end of the year, so it’s about that time.
So here is my guilty admission of the day: I look forward to doing my ‘Worst of the Year’ list all year. Not as much as my best of the year mind, but it’s always healthy to look back at the entirety of a year and try to nail down what was good and what was bad. But since I’ll be doing my year sum up on my Best list, I figure I should just dive in.
#5: Transformers: Age of Extinction
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Eh, Marky Mark is a good choice for these movies, but he is not an actual cannibal.
A couple weeks ago, Paramount submitted its Oscar contenders list, and everyone was very surprised to see this movie on there, and none more than me. I sat through every minute of this movie’s torturously bloated length, and Best Picture? Best Director? Best Adapted Screenplay?! F**k you.
Although, maybe I’m wrong. After all, Revenge of the Fallen was the worst film of 2009, and Dark of the Moon was 3rd, so they’re clearly getting better. Maybe the next one won’t actually be on this list at all. But this one certainly will be, since it was impossibly long, inhumanly stupid, and incredibly boring. Its only saving grace is that I can honestly say it wasn’t nearly as bad as its predecessors.
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I maintain, this movie would be 100 percent better if it was about Paul Giamatti. But so would all movies.
Of all the movies on this list, this one is probably the most technically proficient, as it had some pretty solid action sequences and music. But, as I’ve been trying to inform people all my life, good action doesn’t mean s**t when there isn’t any reason for me to care about what happens. And no movie this year better personified ‘Good action, bad story’ than this one.
I’m actually at a loss to try and figure out why people seem to like this one. The structure is wonky and begins to break down almost immediately upon starting, the characters are so thin they change motivation at the drop of a hat, it completely misses what makes Spider-Man compelling and…you know what, I’m done. This movie sucks, NEXT!
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Hashtag Walrus Sucks. Will Kevin listen to me now?
Upon returning home from this movie, I sat down to write my review and, while I was writing, I put a movie on in the background. The movie in this case was Dogma. I guess I thought it would make me feel better. It didn’t. On the contrary, it made me feel worse. It’s hard for me to figure out what happened to Kevin Smith to make the man who made on of my favorite comedies make this atrocious pile of garbage.
But I think what secures it a place here, more than anything else, is how smug and self satisfied it is. If it was actually made by a half-mad Canadian Tommy Wiseau (or Tjardus Greidanus, as he is basically the Canadian Tommy Wiseau) then it might be kind of endearing. Instead, it’s so sure of its own cult appeal that it becomes insufferable. Oh and it’s also incompetent, but you knew that.
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I actually think this is the worst movie Colin Farrel has been in. That’s pretty impressive.
Despite this movie’s high ranking, I don’t actually hate it. On the contrary, I find it kind of endearing, for all the reasons Tusk isn’t. It’s bizarre, half formed, incomprehensible, occasionally just plain confusing, completely incompetent throughout, but for all of that, it’s weirdly compelling.
I don’t think a great, or even particularly good, movie was ever going to come out of this material (sorry fans of the book) but if a movie had to be made out of it, I’m glad it was made like this. If you have to be bad, be bad all the way, middle ground is just boring. But all that good will can’t save it from also being terrible.
#1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
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I am all out of jokes about this f**king movie.
In a way, I feel like naming this the worst movie of 2014 is too kind. I can’t think of a single year in recent memory this wouldn’t be the worst movie of….well maybe 2012. Jack and Jill is still pretty hard to top. Still, it feels like it deserves a bigger title than simply the worst of 2014. Is it too late to start naming worst movies of the decade? Because it would be a front runner.
The best way I can relate the badness of this movie in this list is to say it is the Captain Planet of bad movies this year. The stupidity and godawful padding of Transformers, the insulting plotting and product placement of Amazing Spider-Man 2, the smug self satisfaction of Tusk, and the bizarre incompetence of Winter’s Tale. By your powers combined, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the s**ttiest movie of 2014.
And Tjardus Greidanus is the director of The Final Sacrifice, for those of you too lazy to Google it.